


Coda

by WereDog15



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Canon Compliant, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Letters, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25732666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WereDog15/pseuds/WereDog15
Summary: Letters from Joel to his daughter, written as he tries to make peace with his past.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Joel & Sarah (The Last of Us), Joel & Tommy (The Last of Us)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 55





	1. Prologue: Not Found By Myself

**Author's Note:**

> For Brittany,  
> I wish things had been different

“Hey Dad, look at this!”

Joel finished the last bite of his hot dog, brushing his hands off on his pant legs as his six year old daughter came sprinting at him through the crowds milling around the carnival around them. “Whatcha got there honey?”

Sarah held up a hand, displaying a long multicolored tube extending from the end of her index finger. “Chinese handcuffs!” She said proudly. “Cool, huh? Uncle Tommy got ‘em for me.”

She pointed at her aforementioned Uncle, who was further back, walking towards them through the crowd.

“Course he did.” Joel said, unsurprised. Tommy spoiled Sarah rotten. Always had. Probably always would too. Luckily, his daughter didn’t abuse it too much.

Joel turned his attention back to the woven tube on his daughter’s finger, frowning in confusion as he leaned forward to examine it more closely. “Chinese handcuffs huh?” 

Gently, he wrapped his hand around hers so that he could rotate the strange contraption for closer inspection. The tube was a couple inches long, decorated with an orange and brown pattern on its outer surface. It looked flimsy as hell. 

“How in the heck are these supposed work?”

Sarah smiled. “Gimme your hand.” She said, reaching with her free hand to grab his arm. 

Impatiently, she folded his other fingers so that only his pinky was extended, then slid it into the other end of the tube. It was a tight fit, considering that his hands were much bigger than hers, but she worked diligently, working the tube down until it reached the first joint of his finger. 

“Gotcha!” she declared proudly as she finished, tugging on their joined hands for emphasis. 

Curious, Joel mirrored the motion, only for the straw to tighten around his finger, preventing him from pulling the extremity away. “Huh.”

Sarah smiled. “I gotcha now! You ain’t ever getting away from me.”

“Oh yeah?” Joel said, vigorously shaking his arm. Sarah laughed as she was jostled around in the process. 

“You can pull as hard as you want Dad,” she said, trying to resist being knocked off balance by her dad’s flailing. “but they ain’t gonna come off that way.”

“How do I get em off then?”

Sarah smiled mischievously. “It’s a secret.”

Joel stopped shaking his arm, noting his daughter’s expression with a raised eyebrow. She wanted something. “Alright, I’ll bite. What’s the secret?”

“I’ll tell you, but first I want some cotton candy.” She told him, pointing down towards the stall in the distance.

“Of course you do.” Joel said. His gaze travelled from the stall back to his daughter, then over to his brother, who had finally reached them. “Uncle Tommy put you up to this, didn’t he?”

“I did no such thing.” Tommy protested. “Your daughter is a smart cookie who came up with this plan all by herself. All I did was give her the means to see it through.”

Joel sighed. “She's got you wrapped around her little finger. You know that, right?”

“Oh yeah, like you’re one to talk.” Tommy replied, moving to stand behind his niece. He placed his hands on her shoulder, framing her face with his arms. “C’mon. Just look at that face. You can’t say no to that."

Sarah continued to look up at her father, eyes still hopeful. 

Joel scooped his daughter up with his free hand. Rather than carrying her towards the cotton candy stall, he turned on his heel, walking towards the car park instead. 

“Not sure you thought this one through kiddo.” he told her at seeing the surprised expression on her face. “See, I don’t ever want to be apart from you.” 

He nuzzled against her, eliciting a series of shrieks and giggles as the rough hairs of his beard scraped against her skin. “And now you’re stuck to me forever.”

“Nuh-uh!” Sarah declared, gripping the middle of the Chinese handcuffs with her free hand and pushing her trapped finger closer in. With the surface tension relaxed, Sarah managed to pull her finger free easily. 

Joel stopped walking, chuckling to himself as his daughter waved her free hand in his face in defiance. Just as planned. He didn’t set her down though. She was getting big, and sooner or later he wouldn’t be able to carry her like this anymore, so he savored it while he could. 

“You know, if I get you cotton candy now, you’re not gonna have room for the cake we have waiting for you at home?” He asked, trying to stop her from ruining her appetite one last time.

“Uh-uh!” Sarah argued. “I can eat both!”

“Okay kiddo. Okay.” He sighed, turning on his heel and walking back towards the cotton candy stall. “But only cause it’s your birthday. And you gotta share with Uncle Tommy and me. No hogging the whole thing to yourself.”

“Fine.” Sarah agreed. “Love you dad.”

“I love you too, kiddo.”


	2. All The Complexities

Dear Sarah,

Writing this feels weird. This isn’t something I’d normally do, writing letters to someone who ain’t ever gonna read them, but… well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. 

I got the idea from Ellie, actually. She told me about book she’d read about a woman who didn’t have anyone on Earth that she felt comfortable enough to talk to, so she started writing letters to God instead. 

Thing is, I don’t know if I can still talk to the Almighty after everything that’s happened. It’s been good speaking to Tommy again, but he has enough burdens without taking on mine. And Ellie, well, you were always a smart kid. There are certain things that a man just can’t talk about with his daughter. 

Lord, I wish you’d met her. She reminds me of you in a lot of ways. Mature beyond her years, but still sweet. Always joking and trying to make the best of things. Damn smart too. 

There’s still more than a few differences though. She’s got better taste in music for one thing. And she can recognize the complexities of a good action movie. She likes reading. Give her a book and you won’t see her all day. I think you two would’ve been good friends. Like two peas in a pod. 

The two of us have been settling in here in Jackson all right. Your uncle Tommy was as good as his word, got us a house a couple streets down from him. Ellie wanted a space to call her own, so we fixed up the garage out back and got her moved in there. Even managed to scrounge up some decorations too. No posters of dumb teen movies though.

This town is really something. They got everything here: food, water, power. A blacksmith, a lumber mill, a brewery, a butcher, even a goddamned theater- the whole town has a movie night every week. Only thing missing is a coffee shop.

Tommy is in charge of the town militia. They go outside the walls to clear out infected or lookout for hunters. He had me join so that I could earn my keep. 

Most of the other adults take turns guarding the perimeter or working the fields. The little ones go to school during the day. Kids around Ellie’s age get rotated around jobs as needed. 

Ellie likes it here. She’s made friends with a couple of girls her age, and now they’ve formed their own little posse.

I’m happy for her. She’s been quiet for a while now, ever since Colorado and Salt Lake. Now she’s starting to liven up, smiling and laughing again. I leave her to her own devices most days, though we usually try see each other in the morning or when the day’s done. Some nights, I introduce her to some of those “lame” movies of mine you used to hate, or give her a guitar lesson. She’s picking it up slowly but surely. 

I forgot to tell you, but you have a new aunt. Your Uncle Tommy went and got himself hitched a couple years ago. Her name’s Maria. Nice lady, but she can lay into you something fierce. Pretty tough too. I guess you’d have to be to keep a place like this running. First time I met her she was pointing a gun at me. 

Luckily, I haven’t given her cause to do that again.

I keep to myself mostly. Go out with some of the guys from the militia sometimes. Maria has me and Ellie over for dinner at least once a week. It feels good. Almost feels like the old days. 

A guy named Henry I met while I was traveling cross country with Ellie said to me, “There’ll come a day when kids just be kids again.” Looking at this place, I could believe it. I never thought people would be able to live like this again. I never thought _I_ would be able to live like this again.

It’s a good life here, Sarah. I wish you were here to see it.


	3. Missing Crooked Hearts

Hey Sarah,

It’s been quiet outside the walls for the last few months. Still seeing some leftover infected from the winter, but not as many hunters as I’d expect by now. Tommy’s worried that they’re gonna try something, so we’re gonna be sending out some scouts out to see if we can suss them out. 

I’m taking a group Northwest, towards Wyoming. Shouldn’t take more than a week or two to make sure the area’s clear. 

Might even have time to check out Maria’s idea for Ellie’s birthday present. Kid’s turning 16 in a couple of weeks. Call it nostalgia, but I still remember enough about the old world to want to make this one special.

Speaking of Maria, I do believe your Aunt is trying to play matchmaker. Got assigned a new partner for my paired patrols last month. A woman named Esther. Not sure Tommy’s in on it, but given how tight a leash Maria’s got him on, I wouldn’t be surprised. 

Esther’s new to Jackson, got here the middle of last year with a group of about a dozen from what used to be the Minneapolis QZ.  She’s pretty. Funny too. She told me one of them jokes that Ellie likes, except this one actually made me laugh. Patrol goes by quick with her. 

That’s part of the problem I guess. Too much time has passed. I’m not the same man I used to be. Every morning I get up and look in the mirror and I can see that there’s more than a touch of grey in my beard. Esther’s nice, but I can’t help but look at her and think that you’d be close to her age if you’d made it past Outbreak Day. 

I can hear you telling me I should stop being such a mopey old man, but I don’t know. I mean, even before the outbreak I was never too good at the whole female companionship side of life. Your mom and I just sort of fell together right outta high school when we had you cause we thought it was what we were supposed to do. 

With Tess, it was different. We were partners, but it wasn’t about us loving each other or anything like that. It was more like we took care of each other cause no one else would. 

She probably would’ve hated it here. Too quiet for her. 

It’s alright. With Ellie and Tommy and Maria around, I’m not wanting for companionship. Being alone isn’t all bad. Not when it’s your choice.

Anyway, you’d laugh, but after all the complaining I used to do back in Austin, I’ve gone and become a carpenter again. I’ve been helping them put up new buildings and fix up houses when I’m not out on patrol. 

Before Jackson, I can’t remember the last time I held a hammer and a saw in my hands and used them the way they were supposed to. It feels good to be working with my hands again. Calming, almost. 

It’s also paid off in other ways. Greg, one of the guys from the militia, traded me a box of instant coffee packs he scrounged up in exchange for me putting in some new floorboards down in his kid’s room. Didn’t want the little guy to end up with a knee full of splinters while he was crawling around. 

I had to trade in some favors to get the lumber, but it was worth it. I woke up early yesterday morning and got to watch the sun rise with a cup of coffee. Best damn morning I’ve had in a long time. It’s like a piece of the past I got to have back again.

Gotta ration those packets though. Only got about a dozen left. I would’ve had more, except Ellie wanted to try one. 

She didn’t like it though. In her words, it tasted like “burnt shit.” 

More of an acquired taste I guess. 

I don’t mind. Just means more for me. 


	4. Persistent In My Ways

Hey Sarah,

Your old man’s a damn fool. Ellie told me about her girlfriend today. Her girlfriend. 

She sprung the news on me when she came over for dinner today. Cat, the girl in question, tagged along. The two of them were holding hands when Ellie told me that they were a couple.

Gotta admit, I didn’t see that one coming. Makes sense though. Explains why Cat and Ellie took so much time to work on her tattoo. And why Ellie’s been so quiet lately. From what I gather, they only got together about two weeks ago. 

I guess I was mostly surprised cause Ellie’s been spending a lotta time with Jesse. He’s been helping her prepare for the militia training so that she could go on paired patrols. 

I was actually partnered with him for a while. He’s a nice guy. Smart. Good looking. I guess I figured the two of them would hit it off cause he was the kind of guy I’d have liked you to go for. 

Course, now that I think about it, the fact that I like him probably means that you’d have found him dull.

When Ellie told me, I didn’t react at first, but I could tell she was worried. She was practically crushing Cat’s hand. I’d never seen her scared like that before. 

It was actually almost sweet. That baby girl cared about what I thought. She wanted me to approve.

I told her not to worry, that I was happy for her. Girl has a right to choose to spend her life with whoever makes her happy. As long as the individual in question takes care of her, of course. 

Anyway, the three of us had dinner together and I got to talk with Cat. Never really interacted with her all that much before tonight, but she seems nice. Ellie relaxed a fair bit when she saw that we were getting along. Even joined in here and there.

Truth be told, I was relieved. When we found the note that those kids in that hotel wrote about the Fireflies last week, Ellie latched onto it real quick. I can’t help but hope that having a girlfriend helps put the whole thing out of her mind.

I managed to stop myself from trying to put the fear of God into Cat, or from laying down some ground rules. In this day and age, as long as they’re staying safe inside Jackson’s walls, I’m happy. And at least now I don’t have to worry about Ellie getting knocked up by accident.

That being said, I have to confess that I’m a little disappointed by that. Course Ellie’s too young to be having kids right now, but it would’ve been nice to think that I could be a grandpa in the future. 

Ah well. I guess in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter too much. There are worse things in the world than knowing that your daughter has found someone who makes her happy.


	5. I Was Feeling Broken

So, here we are again kiddo. Another year on this earth.

Tommy came by today. Gave me a bottle of Jack Daniel's that he’d been saving. I put on a movie and we just sat there, all quiet, drinking till dawn. Not like you can say Happy Birthday to a man on the anniversary of his daughter’s death.

I got fucking old. Lord knows I didn’t think I’d survive another year past the start of the outbreak, let alone another twenty four. Kept myself alive long enough to see most everything I know and love turn to shit. Now I’m just sitting here wondering if there was a point to it all.

Hell, at this point you’ve been dead twice as long as I knew you alive. I thought it might finally stop hurting after all these years.

Maria’s finally caught on to the fact that trying to get Ellie and me in the same room and hoping we’ll hash things out ain’t gonna work. Girl wants nothing to do with me. Hasn’t said more than two words to me in the last few months.  I figure the best thing I can do is keep my distance and try and avoid giving her even more reasons to be angry with me.

I guess I always knew this was gonna happen. Maria says that she’ll come around, but I don’t know. Ellie’s been angry at me before, but this feels different. 

I wonder if you’d have been this angry with me for doing to you what I did to her. Telling her that what made her special meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. Telling her everything that we did was pointless, and all the people who died along the way died for nothing. 

Who am I kidding. I know you’d have been just as mad as her. Probably worse. 

You know, I was afraid that this might happen with you. Back before the outbreak, I used to be scared to death that when you grew up and became your own person, I’d end up doing something that would cause you to break ties with me.

I’d like to think that we’d have been all right in the end, but I honestly don’t know.  I can’t even begin to describe what’s gone on inside me since the day I lost you, kiddo. I’m not the same man I was before. No one from back then is, I guess.

Back when I was still thinking about putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger, I thought it was almost a good thing that you passed before the worst of the breakdown happened. That way at least, you didn’t have to see the things I did to survive. 

I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, kiddo. Too many things, over the years.

You’d probably have hated the man I ended up becoming after you were gone. Just like she does. Look at what happened between me and your Uncle Tommy. My own flesh and blood abandoned me once, and I can’t say I blame him.

Ellie told me once that she was scared of being alone. Ending up all by herself in life. I can understand that. I know what it’s like to be left alone. But I can’t say that’s what kept me up at night over the last few years. 

The thing that’s haunted me at night was the thought of facing you in the afterlife with all the blood I have on my hands. It’s why I couldn’t pull the trigger then. It’s why I still can’t pull it now. Christ, I remember that look on your face when I had to put down Jimmy Cooper. 

I remember reading somewhere that I was supposed to forget your face, but it never happened for me. Small mercies, I guess.

So, I’m still here, baby girl. Not by choice. I wanted to die again and again. Just never did. Body had its own drive. Or maybe I’m just a fucking coward. 

When my time comes, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. 

I still wish I knew how you managed to pay for that damn watch.


	6. Grateful Now They've Left

Eugene died last night. He didn’t show up for his patrol this morning, so we went to his house to see if he was alright. Found him in his bed. Died in his sleep. 

The doc said it was a stroke. To be expected at 73. 

Poor guy didn’t have any family left, so Tommy and I are handling the burial. He and your Uncle were close. They both ran with the Fireflies back in the day. I’m gonna miss the old coot. He was a tough old bastard. Strong as an ox. Still going on patrols and fixing things up at his age.

Hell, 73 years old. 73 fucking years. I guess the wheel keeps on turning, Sarah. And getting faster and faster. Won’t be too much longer before I’m right where he was.

Maybe it’s my age catching up to me, making me sentimental, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the the past lately. Not just the old days before the outbreak, but a lot of stuff that came after as well. People that didn’t make it. Things I could’ve changed.

Mostly I’ve been thinking back to that night back in Utah, considering if there was anything else I could have done. Anything else I _should_ have done. For her. 

The answer that I always come back to is no.

Ellie wanted her life to mean something, even if it meant letting a bunch of doctors kill her for the hope of a cure. There was a while there that I even bought into it. Can you imagine? Me, the most cynical bastard on the face of the Earth, believing that I could help save mankind. 

I miss the old days. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.

Lying on the couch watching Sunday football. That… greasy smell of a downtown hot dog. 4th of July, family barbecues. The sound of a plane flying overhead. Just one peaceful night with you and a clean conscience. 

But all of that’s gone. And it ain’t coming back.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that no one understands better than me what we lost since the outbreak.And none of it was worth sacrificing Ellie to try and bring back. 

She was wrong. Her immunity isn’t what made her special. Never was. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this life, it’s that it doesn’t have any meaning past what we make of it.

Course, I could be wrong too. But it’s like you tried to show me once, baby girl. With some things in life, the more you try to escape, the tighter it clings to you. Especially the past. Only thing I can do now is try and make my peace with it instead. 

I think it’ll be a little easier this time. Because even knowing what I know now, how things would turn out, I’m grateful for every single moment I’ve had with that girl. Happiness has never been something the Lord saw fit to give me too much of in this life. I’m grateful for whatever I can get.

Seeing Ellie have the chance to be happy and grow up? Giving her the chance I never got to give you?

That’s enough for me.

Well, I think I’m done, baby girl. No more homework for you. You’ve got better things to be doing than reading letters from a tired old man who’s lived longer than he’s had any right to.

As for me, I think I’m fixing to start carving out that cowboy I’ve been thinking about. If it ain’t too cold tomorrow, I’ll sit out on the porch with my six string and pick away at it while I watch the sun set.

There is one thing you could help me out with though. Keep an eye on Ellie for me, make sure she doesn’t get into too much trouble. Try and get her to stop wearing canvas sneakers all the time. And if you think you can pull a fast one on her, when she goes to bed tonight, give her a big old kiss goodnight from her big sister.

I wish you were here Sarah. Christ, I wish you were here.

I love you kiddo. And I always will. 

Your dad, 

Joel Miller


	7. Epilogue: To Be Gone

The snow crunched under his horse’s feet as Tommy guided the animal forward, reins held loosely in his hands as he scanned white capped trees surrounding them.

His horse grunted as it stumbled on some rough terrain that had been hidden in the snow, forcing him to grip the pommel to avoid falling off. 

It had been a long, hard day of riding. Both he and his horse were tired. He’d been in the saddle for almost 18 hours straight, and on alert constantly. His desire to put as much distance between him and Jackson before Ellie realized he’d left her behind clashed with his need to avoid pushing his horse too hard just in case there were leftover infected around. 

He was almost done for the day though. Just a little bit further, and he’d be able to reach one of the outposts Jackson’s militia used as a safe house for long range patrols.

“Come on Callus.” he said, patting the animal gently on the neck as he did so. “Ain’t much further now.”

Sufficiently calmed, Callus resumed his canter. 

Tommy sighed, the exhalation causing mist to form in the cold mountain air. 

Hopefully Maria would read his letter before Ellie realized what had happened. Hopefully she’d manage to keep Ellie in Jackson so that he could take care of this on his own. Ellie would be mad as hell at him, of course, but that was a price he was willing to pay if it meant that he could keep her safe.

Absently, he patted a hand on the chest of his coat, confirming that the leather envelope that he’d found in his brother’s house was still there. 

He’d found it by accident, on the very night that he’d secured Ellie’s promise to wait a day for him to try and persuade Maria. The leather envelope was a simple thing, tied shut with leather cords, made by Jackson’s tannery. It had been stored in a red shoe box on the top shelf of Joel’s gun safe. 

At the time, Tommy’s only intent had been to get Joel’s long guns under lock and key before Ellie could get to them. He’d opened the box, thinking that Joel had used it to store loose cartridges, but had instead found the envelope, and a note. 

“ _Tommy,”_ the note said, “ _Burn these if I’m gone. - Joel_ ”

Why Tommy hadn’t burned them in the fireplace of Joel’s house right then and there, he didn’t know. Maybe it was because he’d been afraid of Ellie discovering him before he could slip out, as he’d planned. Maybe it had been simple curiosity on his part. 

Whatever the reason, Tommy had taken the envelope with him when he left Jackson in the early dawn hours of that morning. He’d left Joel’s watch behind though, cushioned on top of the scarf his brother had been wearing the morning that he’d died, along with his brother’s revolver. 

Joel had carried both items with him since they’d left Texas almost 25 years ago. Now that Joel was gone, Tommy knew that they belonged to Ellie more than to him.

Tommy paused as he considered the thought. Joel was gone. His brother, the man who’d saved his life more times than he could count, was gone. 

The world being the way that it was, it had to happen sooner or later. 

He’d just hoped it would happen a little later.

The lookouts had let him out without a word after he’d turned in Joel’s long guns, opening the western gates and giving him as much food and ammo as they could despite Maria’s orders to the contrary. 

They’d all known Joel. They’d all liked him. And they all knew Tommy well enough to know that nothing would stop him from going after the people that had killed his brother. 

Callus continued to trudge forward, long legs sinking into the snow as he moved. 

Tommy remained silent, eyes on the lookout for threats as he rode further into the dusk.

———————————————————-

They reached the outpost almost an hour later. 

Tommy lead Callus into the garage of what had been someone’s luxurious winter retreat and pulled the garage door shut. After sweeping the house to make sure it was clear of infected, then laying out some fodder for the horse, he’d retreated to the living room and gotten a fire going. 

The task of settling in for the night done, Tommy removed the envelope from his jacket, staring at it as he contemplated what to do. He settled on opening it, hoping that knowing what was inside would help him make a decision. 

Carefully, he unwrapped the leather cords holding the envelope shut, glancing inside as he pulled it open. Unsurprisingly, there were papers inside, almost two dozen or so, all folded in half around each other so that they would fit inside the enclosure. 

Tommy pulled them out, glancing at the the one in the center of the folded up sheaf as he spread it open with his hand. 

The page was covered with his brother’s simple handwriting. His eyes instantly noted Sarah’s name inscribed on the top. 

A letter to the departed, written by his brother. It wasn’t long, just a simple account of a day in the new life Joel had cultivated for himself in Jackson.

Tommy read it fully, memorizing the little details that Joel had seen fit to try and share with his daughter. When he was done, he spread the rest of the letters out, almost two dozen of them, confirming his suspicion that each one had been addressed to his departed niece. 

He didn’t read any more of them. This was a part of his brother that no one left alive had the right to see or intrude upon. Not even him.

In the silence, he could almost hear Maria scolding him as he held the letters his brothers had written reverently. 

He didn’t owe Joel anything, she’d say, and even if he did, Joel wouldn’t have wanted him to risk his life on a suicide mission. 

Right or wrong (and if he was being honest, she was probably right), Maria didn’t understand.

Joel had been his brother. Not the man that he’d become after the outbreak, but the man who he’d been before. These letters were proof of that. 

And that was enough for him. 

Even in the face of hopeless odds, Tommy would rather die on a suicide mission than face Joel in the afterlife knowing that he hadn’t done everything within his power to keep his brother’s adopted daughter safe. And, if he could gain some satisfaction for himself through revenge along the way, so much the better. 

Tommy folded the letters back up again, holding both the bundle and the envelope in his hand. He hesitated for just a moment before tossing both into the fire. 

Tears in his eyes, he watched as the letters were consumed by the flames, hoping, just as Joel had, that they would make their way to Sarah before long. 


End file.
